Arts

Porn Industry Publishes Exhaustive List of Fetishes

VAN NUYS, CA – The Collection of Unloved Masses (C.U.M.) in partnership with researchers at Pasadena City College have published their annual, comprehensive list of all known sexual fetishes. Speaking from inside a nondescript office building on a black leather couch, spokesperson and national face of C.U.M., Jordan Jaxx briefed the media Monday afternoon, “The ‘2017 Freaky or Flaccid List’ is just over 1000 pages. It’s our girthiest and nastiest yet!”

Several changes from last year’s list were noted by Jaxx, “Game of Thrones has been the catalyst for most of the changes to this year’s catalog. We’ve reclassified ‘Defiling a Person with an Elk Antler’ from fantasy to full blown fetish. In addition, ‘Banging Your Sister Next To Your Incestuously Begotten Son’s Corpse’ has moved from a regional fetish, mostly seen in Appalachia, to one that is present, albeit in limited fashion, nationwide.”

Jaxx added that C.U.M. has no time to enjoy a refractory period. Work on next year’s list has already begun, “That’s the great thing about this job. Invalids, virgins and 35-year-old guys living with their parents are always coming up with new, sick ways of getting off. We have to hop back up on it because this list was obsolete about an hour after it was published.”

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