Life

We Found Him! Dedicated Candy Crush Player Named Most Boring Commuter

Definitely not texting a shawty

OAK PARK, IL – For the past two years, Thomas Graham has been observed playing Candy Crush Saga during his commute. This remarkable, ironman feat has lead this publication to crown him the winner in our year-long search to find The Most Boring Commute in America.

Since starting as an information technology specialist for Cook County in early 2015, Graham has not strayed from his daily routine. Every weekday he is seen at 8:15 on the platform of the Ridgeland “L” stop with his head buried in his smartphone.

Damian Washington is a fellow commuter who sees Graham from time to time, “At first I thought he was a diabetic, and he got some sort of sick pleasure from destroying all that digital sugar but nah. He just loves that game. There’s only been two times that I haven’t seen him playing it. I saw him pick up a newspaper once that was laying on the seat, and I thought he was going to read it, but nah. He was just moving it out of the way.”

“The other time,” Washington continued, “I saw him furiously typing and I thought, my man, in a fight with his sidepiece after slipping out early in the morning. So I moved closer to get a better look because god damn, I know I been there. But nah, he was on a message board arguing that using guides was against the spirit of the game! Come on dude! After two years, you think he’d be pretty good at it but nah. He’s stuck on Level 65 and refuses to buy the game’s currency. Says he’s a purist. Shaking my head, man.”

READ  She Knew the Rules! Co-ed Fails to Place Hand on Hip in Group Picture, Expelled from Sorority

Graham’s habitual behavior is no secret to his co-workers. Ayesha Johnson, a claims analyst for Cook County, does not hide her feelings about Graham, “That guy is just weird. He does the same thing every damn day. He gets in and leaves at the same time. He’s on his phone all day. He always eats a ham sandwich for lunch. It’s freaky. I don’t trust guys like that. I just try and avoid him.”

According to Johnson, avoidance is taking it’s toll, “I still have that damn paperclip assistant because I don’t want him to come work on my computer! But you know, I am getting used to him. He’s actually kinda cute. In fact, I think I’m starting to like him a little bit. You know I’m talking about the paperclip, right?”