Life

She Knew the Rules! Co-ed Fails to Place Hand on Hip in Group Picture, Expelled from Sorority

Can’t trust these ΗθΖ (from left): Sutton, Benson, Unknown

TEMPE, AZ – When Cassidy Sutton returned from spring break, she was looking forward to finishing up the semester with her sorority sisters. But just over a month later, Sutton, a junior at Arizona State University, was expelled from the Chi Upsilon chapter of Eta Theta Zeta (ΗθΖ). The decision came after Sutton was seen failing to place her hand on her hip when taking a group picture. Alix Benson, former roommate of the now ex-member, was not surprised by the expulsion, “Cassie knew the rules. She was on the end of a group of girls taking pictures before going out. She thought she was better than the millions of young women who pose the exact same way. Well, she’s not.”

According to Benson, the incident was just the latest in a string of erratic and unpredictable behavior, “Over the past year, she’s only hooked up with like, 9 guys. Just the other day, she wanted to buy a dress and couldn’t remember her dad’s credit car number. And on more than one occasion, she was seen buying coffee without her UGGs, in a Patagonia fleece, at a non-Starbucks. Who does that?” Benson was hopeful their trip to Cabo San Lucas could help Sutton reset her priorities, “At the end of last semester, she was placed on double secret probation. I prayed it would be a wake-up call but she chose to hit snooze like it was an 8 AM lecture.”

The Eta Theta Zeta national office released a statement on the expulsion, “We agree wholeheartedly with the Chi Upsilon chapter’s decision to expel Ms. Sutton. Quite frankly, the behavior by this former member is disgusting. She was not able to live up to the standards we hold our sisters to. We are looking for young women who follow our internet-bestowed motto: We blow more than our nose ‘cuz we got more ΗθΖ than Lowe’s. Some young women don’t want to engage in the superficial, promiscuous behavior we require of all our sisters. Unfortunately, Ms. Sutton falls into this category.”

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Sutton was seen moving out early Sunday morning with visible tears, struggling to carry her possessions after handing in her Chanel sunglasses and ΗθΖ branded tote bag. When pressed for comment, she was clearly still upset by the decision, “It just doesn’t seem right. I should be here with my sisters. Sunday morning is when I would usually organize a trip to CVS to pick up some Gatorade and Plan B. But I guess I don’t need to anymore.”

As she piled her belongings into her pink accented MINI Cooper convertible, Sutton expressed hope she might be reinstated if she could prove she changed her behavior. While rejoining her sisters may be her ultimate goal, thoughts of any potential reunion may be premature as she was last seen driving towards Hayden Library.