Life

‘Inspiring’ New Facebook Friend Completes Man’s Social Media Experience

GRAND RAPIDS, MI – After meeting through mutual friends, new acquaintances Jeff Howard and Olivia Whitman recently became friends on Facebook. Whitman, who began dating one of Howard’s college roommates, is known for her active social media presence. In Howard’s opinion, the exposure to Whitman’s posting habits has really rounded out his social media experience, “I have a big family and a diverse set of friends. I used to think I was seeing all different kinds of content on Facebook. But I was wrong.”

“As far as friends go, I have a foodie, a cat lady, several humblebraggers, a couple who think of themselves as workout warriors, a 2nd amendment activist, someone who thinks Buzzfeed lists are hilarious, a guy that checks-in at every minute location he visits, a mother constantly spamming pictures of her children, a 20-something female who wishes she was traveling, a gender-fluid member of the politically correct police force, an uncle that hates Obama and Muslims, a woman that sends birthday wishes by tagging the recipient in a picture collage rather than writing on their wall, a tween quoting somber song lyrics as to get attention, a couple Rich Kids of Instagram wannabes, my grandma who signs her name after posting on my wall, a guy in Omaha posing as a fitness model in order to catfish me, overly vocal President Trump and Bernie Sanders supporters, and a health and fitness product pyramid schemer,” Howard recalled.

Typical Whitman bullshit.

“Until I friended Olivia,” he continued. “I had never seen so many inspirational quotes in my life! I used to think strength was how much I could put up at the gym. But that’s not it at all. You’re only as strong as the drinks you mix, the tables you dance on, and the friends you party with.”

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For her part, Whitman is glad to help, “I mostly post stock photos of landscapes with inspirational quotes superimposed over the top,” she stated. “I like to think I am helping my other friends by sharing these cliché sayings that aren’t nearly as profound as I think they are.”

It appears as though Whitman’s Facebook activity is having an effect. After less than a month of being friends, Howard considers himself #blessed to know that no one, other than himself, is in charge of his happiness. “Sometimes you have to look through the rain to see the rainbow,” he added.

While Howard is aware that he can simply unfriend or block those whose habits he finds annoying, he doesn’t plan on taking that route, “I don’t go on Facebook all that much. But when I do, I want to be reminded of why I avoid 90% of the people I know.”