Life

Apocalypse NOW! Survivalists Upset 2016 Election Wasn’t End Of The World

‘Jack’ and his vast stacks of attack snacks.

NORTHERN MICHIGAN – The 2016 Presidential election was one of the most contentious, hard fought political battles in American history. Cartoon frogs were banned, Bernie Sanders enjoyed a May-December bromance with the mainstream and Russia brought back yellow journalism. As political divisions continue to widen, there’s one group who remains united in their disdain for the status quo: doomsday preppers.

The most coherent of the survivalists interviewed for this article are clearly frustrated with the slow pace of deterioration. The leader of a militia in Northern Michigan (wishing to be called ‘Jack’) summarized his crew’s feelings, “Before the election, each side warned us the world was going to end if the other candidate won. Hillary was going to start a war with Russia. Trump was a madman who couldn’t be trusted with nukes. To us, it sounded like either outcome was a win. Like most patriotic Americans with more than 20,000 rounds of stockpiled ammunition and 40 cases of canned peas, we expected results—not more empty promises from politicians. Well, it’s been five months since the inauguration and not a shot’s fired. There’s no widespread panic. No hysteria. What’s the hold-up? Get on with it!”

“This is fine.”

‘Jack’ and his fellow self-taught, self-sufficiency specialists were surprisingly candid in discussing their hopes for the apocalypse. “I wouldn’t say we’re actively rooting for the end of the world,” the fear merchant said. “We just know that it’s going to happen in one of the exact ways we’ve prepped for so it might as well hurry up and get here. Otherwise, what are we doing? Wasting a bunch of time, money, and resources living in fear of something that doesn’t end up happening? Wrongly assuming we’d survive the initial incident? Ha! I don’t think so, snowflakes.”

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Although millions have disappointingly not yet been killed, ‘Jack’ is trying to remain positive, “I don’t want to jinx it but it’s looking like I might win our Doomsday pool. I have ‘Avoidable Military Conflict with North Korea’ as the reason for our inevitable dystopian future. Lately I’ve been encouraged by the ongoing hostile and belligerent statements coming out of Pyongyang. For a while, I was worried ‘Ray’ might win since he drew ‘Hollywood Ready Viral Outbreak’ as his entry. If you remember, we had that promising Ebola scare a few years ago but unfortunately that died down. Once again, big government and the CDC meddling in the health of private citizens.”

Despite the widespread loss of life and crippling infrastructure damage that could accompany a worldwide disaster, the Royal Oak Gazette views preclusion of the last season of Game of Thrones as the greatest potential tragedy.

If (nuclear) winter is coming, let’s just hope it’s after the series finale.