Inclusivity Win! XBox Live to Now Require Equal Number of Insults About Opponent’s Mom AND Dad

“Your mom gives good head but not like your dad!”

REDMOND, WA – Head of XBox Phil Spencer announced a long sought, groundbreaking new feature this morning. Beginning in July, Microsoft will now require all users of XBox Live, the company’s online multiplayer gaming platform, to hurl an equal number of insults about both parents of an opponent. “On XBox Live, we have always tried to foster a kind and inclusive environment for all,” Spencer said. “While pretty much every interaction to date has fallen short of this goal, we think we have finally found a solution to our problem.”

Although much about the program is still unknown, Spencer was able to shed some light on what is sure to become a welcomed innovation, “The app will be included in a system update coming later this summer. I can’t say much other than it’s a proprietary piece of software that tracks both the pitch of the gamer’s voice and the insults thrown. Now let me be clear, we’re not trying to get rid of a user’s ability to berate rival players. That’s what we’re known for. We just want to make sure that everyone can feel the wrath of neglected 12-year-olds being raised by a video game console.”

Spencer also took the time to walk the assembled media through an example of how the app will work, “If someone says ‘I wasn’t on last night because I was fucking your mom,’ the software will boot the player if he/she/it doesn’t immediately add-on that they were fucking your dad as well. If they do this three times, they get branded a n00b. And as we all know, no one wants that. It’s much worse than being called the actual N-word when playing online.”

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“As a company committed to diversity,” Spencer continued. “We are sensitive to changing times. Some people are raised by two moms or dads. Some only have one parent. This app certainly addresses the ever-changing American household. If your opponent was raised by a single mother, you’ll receive a notification and be forced to taunt them accordingly. Again, instead of just saying you fucked their mom, the gamer will have to roast them over their fatherless childhood as well. Something like, ‘I can see why your dad left if he knew his son was going to put up a score like that’ would be acceptable.”

Larry “Major Nelson” Hryb, Director of Programming for XBox Live, gave an overview of the app’s evolution, “We spent countless hours combing through various message boards, comment sections and, of course, tumblr, to find a group of dedicated social justice warriors to help make this the most inclusive, politically correct app out there. This new program has been in development for years and I’d be remiss if I didn’t say there were times when I thought it would never hit the market. But now that it’s completed and after testing it out for myself, I can say we got it just right. We can’t wait to get it out to the community.”