WASHINGTON – According to a recently published report by the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), 97% of commercial airline passengers (Travelus doucheus) are unaware that other people are boarding the plane behind them. This troubling and rapidly increasing level represents the highest percentage on record since the FAA began tracking this statistic. The report also provides more evidence as to why the International Union for the Conservation of Nature (IUCN) categorized a closely-related cousin, the North American ideal air traveler (Travelus canadus), as an endangered species just last month.
IUCN spokesperson Dan Weber elaborated on that decision, “Commercial airline passengers are classified as an invasive species and originally were only native to the New Jersey shoreline and the area bounded by the Hudson and East rivers. But since the introduction and growing prevalence of checked baggage fees, coupled with the insatiable wanderlust found in free-spirited, ‘citizen of the world’ millennials, they have become the dominant species in every major American airport. It’s gotten to the point where it’s almost impossible to identify an ideal air traveler in their natural habitat.”
Weber also took the time to give an overview on the differences between the two species, “Although they may look similar, there are a few telltale signs we experts use in identifying each. First, ideal air travelers are always seen with their shoes on throughout the duration of their trip. That’s simply not the case with commercial airline passengers, who have been observed taking off their footwear beginning at the gate before boarding and continuing to their time on the aircraft. Many times, they place their bare feet in the gaps between the seats in front of them. Even though ideal air travelers would also prefer to stretch their legs on a long flight, they’re not so asinine to think this wouldn’t have an effect on others.”
“Despite their common genus,” Weber continued. “The species in question are actually competitors for the same seats. It’s very much a zero-sum game. Many times, this competition carries over to the shared armrests, which is a fight the loud talking, overly seat reclining creatures are currently winning.”
Even though the outlook for the long-term health and sustainability of ideal air travelers appears grim, Weber is not yet losing hope, “We’re taking the release of this damning report as an opportunity to launch our Stow in Yo Row™ campaign. We’ve found that most commercial air passengers simply don’t know they can secure their luggage in the overhead bins from their own row of seats and not out in the aisle. Although many become frazzled and aggressive when confronted over their self-absorbed behavior, we feel this is our best chance and frankly, our last shot at preserving a species worth saving.”