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Billionaire Announces Plans for Florida Theme(d) Park

The Big ‘O’ and Citrus Plaza sponsored by Florida Orange Juice® (Artist’s Rendering)

KISSIMMEE, FL – It seems there’s room in America’s Theme Park Capital for yet another entry. Eccentric billionaire Bruce Pinkman has announced plans for a Florida themed park located outside of Orlando. The full press release can be seen below:

The Pinkman Group (TPG) is pleased to unveil it’s vision for a groundbreaking, new theme park in central Florida. It’s no secret the Orlando area is home to the best family entertainment in the world. Many times these parks seek to transport visitors to magical, far away places. But what about the treasures that abound nearby? We aim to celebrate all Florida has to offer with TPG’s first theme park: Sunshine State.

Visitors to the park are greeted by a towering, geodesic dome in the unmistakable shape of a Florida orange. “We thought it best to not mess with the tried and true formula of having an instantly recognizable landmark in the center of the park that’s pretty much only used as a backdrop for pictures,” CEO Bruce Pinkman explained.

Scheduled to open in Fall 2020, Sunshine State will comprise of four distinct themed lands:

Flor(id)a & Fauna strives to highlight the immense biodiversity present in the state. Visitors enter under a natural arch of palm trees and mangroves where they’ll encounter Florida panthers, alligators, manatees, dolphins, pelicans and whooping cranes. Littered throughout are giant, cliché statues of seashells, starfish and sea horses. If it can be turned into a kitschy decoration perfect for the bathroom of your grandmother’s assisted living unit, then it can be found here. “Be on the lookout for Gus,” said Pinkman. “I met him living under a Turnpike overpass. He bet me that I couldn’t guess all the body parts he’s lost to a gator when he was high on bath salts and thought it was his dog. And guess what? He was right! I couldn’t! If you see this walking embodiment of the ‘Florida Man’ and can sniff out all the extremities he’s lost, you’ll win a free T-shirt!”

Gus can also be found in our homage to the many personalities found in Florida: Character Count. From the leather skinned stickler who yells at children for wearing flip-flops in the clubhouse, the guy who’s been kicked out of every Waffle House in the state, a Seminole who demands we get off ‘his’ land, to disgruntled cast members from those ‘other’ parks, they all can be found here. “All of our characters walk around with their literal or figurative head piece off,” quipped Pinkman. “They never break character and take you behind the scenes to see what it’s really like to live and work in a central Florida theme park. Here’s a hint: it’s not great!”

Death’s Doorstep is our celebration of the many seniors and retirees that populate the state. As park-goers enter, they’re greeted by the unforgettable smell of formaldehyde and Ensure. If you need a place to rest your orthopedic shoe clad feet, there’s plenty of benches that are actually outdated couches covered in plastic. Here visitors can drive painfully slow bumper cars or enter a simulation to see what it’s like to fill the Medicare donut hole. Do you choose to fill your Lipitor prescription, or to send a card to your grandson on his 7th birthday? Details as minute as souvenirs/concessions have all been meticulously planned. “You know those distinctive hard candies in the strawberry wrapper that seemingly can’t be bought in stores yet everyone over the age of 75 has fully stocked?” Pinkman pondered. “We sell ’em! But make sure to get there early! Food service stops at 5:30 and this part of the park closes promptly at 7.”

Conversely, Chug B*tch! is our ode to Spring Break and stays open all night. Each visitor to this land is given a state-of-the-art electronic wristband. Every 10 steps taken in this part of the park counts as a sexual encounter. Can you make it out without contracting herpes? Other attractions include a meandering tip-toe around piles of vomit, spent condoms and solo cups. There’s also an interactive ride developed by researchers at Baylor University on how to construe incoherent, slurred speech as giving consent. “We’ve spared no expense,” said Pinkman. “By the end of it, you really believe she’s capable of making this decision!”

Stay tuned to TPG on social media for more details as they become available.

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