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Medical Breakthrough! Depression Now Treated By Reminding Patients They Don’t Sing Backup for Adele

“Oh, look. There’s another person who can’t sing like me.”

SILVER SPRING, MD – Rumor has it the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is getting ready to say ‘Hello’ to an alternative method for treating patients with mood disorders. On Wednesday, the nation’s public health watchdog issued a press release detailing the latest form of treatment under its controversial Pop Culture Immersion (PCI) program. The newly announced ‘Rolling in the Deep-ression’ regimen allows psychiatrists to treat traditional therapy resistant patients by gently reminding them that their life could be worse. They could sing backup for Adele.

Oddly, the rationale behind the program is sound. FDA spokesperson Kara Bryant revealed the thought process that lead to the groundbreaking treatment, “If you ever want to feel inadequate, imagine being one of the songbirds providing backup vocals for Adele? These singers have trained their whole lives… are incredible talents in their own right… and yet they will never compare to the pure majesty coming from the Queen. Someone once told me that listening to 25 start-to-finish is like popping a Xanax and ensconcing yourself in velvet. Now imagine being that close to greatness and constantly reminded of your shortfalls any time you went to work. Suddenly getting out of bed in the morning doesn’t seem like such a big ask, now does it?”

As the stigma surrounding mental illness continues to dissipate, alternative treatments are receiving increased research funding. Unsurprisingly, this has birthed initiatives such as the PCI. While critics remain skeptical of the remedies approved under the dubious program, Bryant came to its defense, “This isn’t the first time we’ve signed off on a therapy like this. It’s just the latest in a series. Other approved treatments include reminders that the patient isn’t a stand-in for a Victoria’s Secret Angel, a script Nicolas Cage turned down, or Tiger Woods practice partner circa 2005. But as treatments approved under the PCI are often cyclical, a reminder of Woods’ current state appears to now only make things worse. As such, we’ve rescinded approval effective immediately.”

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While the unique approach may seem appealing to many, Bryant stressed the program’s intended audience, “This standard of care is really only designed for those who do not respond to other forms of treatment. The ones who keep on chasing pavements, even though it leads nowhere. The ones inexplicably trying to set fire to the rain. We hope this technique will help them stand tall… even if they do insist on letting the sky fall.”